Dukh (Sorrow)

“Rory? Are you alone?” Jack asked before I could say anything else

“Um…No. Alex is with me. Why?” I asked, instantly getting a feeling of dread in my stomach

“Ok. Can you put me on speakerphone and sit down?” he asked

Hands shaking because I knew in my gut that I wasn’t going to like whatever Jack was about to tell me, I did as he asked. Alex sat down with me and put his arm protectively around my shoulders and said “ok Jack”.

I heard Jack take a deep breath before he said “Kevin’s gone”

I was confused for a moment while I tried to figure out what he meant by “Kevin’s gone” until it hit me. I felt all the blood drain out of my face and suddenly everything started to fade away. I looked at Alex’s face and it slowly faded into darkness.

After what seemed like hours and moment at the same time, I woke up slowly, groggily in Alex’s arms. I was disoriented for a minute until Jack’s last words just before I fainted came back. I looked at Alex to see if what I heard was true and the look of compassion on his eyes, confirmed it for me. Instead of tears that I expected to start pouring out of me, I felt numb. I picked up my phone and called Jack to ask him what had happened.

“Are you okay Rory” Jack asked in lieu of a hello.

“I’m fine. What happened. How do you know this? Are you sure he’s gone and not in a hospital?” I asked. Hearing my own voice, I was surprised at the lack of emotion in it. I felt really cold, all of sudden and leaned back into Alex’s arms.

“I’m sorry Rory but he’s gone. They discovered him on the side of the old territorial road where he had been obviously walking. Whoever hit him, drove away from the scene. They haven’t found the person or the car yet” Jack said, his voice shaking slightly

I felt the numbing cold seep deeper into my body and everything seemed to dim and turn black and white. I looked in shock at the phone and then turned to look at Alex who was still holding me.

When I didn’t say anything Jack continued “Rory, he was gone already when they found him. There was nothing they could do”

“ok” I barely whispered “I’ll be on the next flight home”

Alex grabbed the phone out of my hand before I could drop it and said to Jack “I’ll call you as soon as I know what flight we are going to be on”

I listened to Jack and Alex making the arrangements and the only thing that penetrated the fog in my head was the word “we”.

I looked at Alex when he hung up and said “we?”

“Yea” Alex said. “Do you think I’m going to let you go alone in the condition you are in right how”

I didn’t have answer to that so I kept silent. A moment later Alex got up and grabbed his laptop and started searching online for flights. Within moments had found us 2 seats on a flight to LAX that left in 5 hours and booked the tickets.

Alex called his office while I sat and stared at my phone which made me think why hadn’t anyone called or texted me. I went to my inbox and realized I had 14 unread messages, most of them from Merry asking me to please call her, it was important. I sent her a text with a simple “I know” and was putting my phone down when it vibrated with a text.

It was Merry and it said “R u ok? Who told you?”

“I’m. Well I don’t know how I am. I feel numb right now. Jack told me” I wrote

A moment later I had a reply “When are you coming back? Are you sure you are ok alone?” she asked

“My flight leaves in 5 hours. Alex is coming with me” I said. I put my phone on the counter after that and went into Alex’s room to gather all of my clothes. Gathering everything and packing and then helping Alex pack took up most of the time we had left before we had to leave for SEA-TAC.

We got to the airport with almost 3 hours to spare and got in line. By the time we took off for the 5 hour flight, I was exhausted and fell asleep almost as soon as we took off. Alex woke me about a half hour before landing and I felt the coldness and the numbness returning.

When we landed  and got out, I immediately saw Jack waiting there along with Merry, Caleb and Katie. The part of my brain that had been subconsciously hoping that it had all been a mistake and that Kevin was really dead, immediately disappeared. The looks on all their faces were enough to finally make it sink in. I started shaking uncontrollably and felt and tears start burning behind my eyes. With a sob, I ran into Jack’s arms and started crying. Jack hugged me tight as I repeated, barely audibly “he’s gone. Kevin’s gone” over and over again…